My Letter to the CSEA

To Whom It May Constern (that's you, Mr. Heath!):

     I send this at the request of Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Grand Ballyhoo of Egypt and co-founder of the no-faith of Discordianism, in the defense of Christine D. Tobey's claim that Discordianism is her religion.
      I've known Chaplin IM False for, my Goddess, it must be weeks. She has been a staunch Discordian (well, as staunch as a Discordian can be. We're rather staunch about our opposition to staunchiness, since staunchiness is a bad thing by and large) for the entire time I've known her, and quite some time before that, I've been told. Her understanding of chaos and confusion is deep and profound in its shallow silliness. Her ability to be random in the face of authority is Zen-like, and I applaud her with one hand. Truly is she some of the best of us.
      She recently contacted me regarding your rejection of her petition for religious exemption from your little gestapo-esque operation, and I must say I'm appalsied (uh-pall-zeed; adj. left shaking with indignation). I mean, it doesn't come right out and say anywhere in the Bible that selling your soul to the Devil is bad, but a person with even limited cognitive faculties could certainly figure it out. Likesuch and similarly, it says in the introduction to the Principia Discordia (on page i, fergoddesssake!) that ``...organization is the work of the Devil.'' I know that you're a lawyer and all, but that doesn't give you license to perpetrate all forms of obtusity (that word is not in the dictionary, I'm afraid). If you were collecting money to build a YMSA (Young Men's Satanist Club), you'd probably wouldn't give any Christians a hard time if they didn't particularly care to contribute to the cause. If there is one stretch of common ground between Discordians and Christians (and there are actually several, but they haven't been farmed very well up until recently), it is that none of us much like the idea of funding the Devil.
      I'm sure Lord Omar sent you everything you could ever want to know about the nuts, screwballs and bolts of Discordianism. Therefore, in keeping with one of the sillier habits of one of the more popular contemporary religions (which, for some reason, you give automatic recognition to. I'll rant a bit more on this topic later, because if I don't pull out of this parenthetical comment now, I'll almost certainly lose you before long), I will Testify (actually, this isn't as intrinsically silly as the Christian version, which usually boils down to preaching to the converted in a sort of theological circle-jerk. I will therefore endeavor to instill more silliness in it so as not to disappoint you).
      (Hereafter followed my personal history of enlightenment, which I shall not repeat as it is available in my semi-autobiography.)
      ``A religion based on rejecting logic and worshipping an ancient Goddess of Confusion?'' you ask. ``How ridiculous!'' you insist.
      That's right. Intentionally so, in fact. However, before you condemn us for this, please consider another religion based around ridiculosity (once again, put down the dictionary), called Christianity.
      Any Christian (well, almost any) will tell you two things about his god: He is all-powerful and entirely benevolent.
      This can clearly be debunked by simply observing that people are often quite miserable. If god is benevolent, he wishes only happiness for his beloved children. If he is all-powerful, he can certainly arrange that.
      The standard Christian argument against this is that god gave us free will and that this allows us to choose to be miserable. Allow me to reiterate their first point: God is all-powerful. If he can do absolutely anything, then he can give us free will and keep us happy, even if the two imply some sort of logical contradiction (Logic? God don't need no stinking logic).
      Most Christians believe that when you die, if you've been good (read ``Christian'') you go to Heaven, where you're free-willed, sin-free and minty-fresh. If they believe that god can pull it off in Heaven, how can they insist that he can't do it here?
      Christianity's beliefs are, obviously, quite ridiculous (of course, they have a snazzy term for believing self-contradictory idiocies -- ``The Mystery of Faith''), but I'm sure that doesn't keep you from recognizing them as a religion. If you're going to grant special status to absurdity, at least have the common decency to grant it to ALL absurdities. Discordianism is, when all is said and done, one of the greatest absurdities of all times.

      Yours Unruly,
      Episkopos Aloysius Thudthwacker, Pope, Keeper of the Truth.

      PS - Besides, if you continue to be obstinate in your failure to accept Goddess, you'll be reincarnated as a precious Mao button and distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud.

      PPS - As a tenant in the Church of Discord, I would feel very violated by a union.

      PPPS - Hire a proofreader, you gits.