Summoning of Phunn E'phax, Spawn of a Thousand Telephone Connections

First, the preparation of the Sigil of Phunn E'phax must be undertaken with the utmost care and precision. With penmanship most Foul or a manual typewriter most Elderly, scribe the following Formula onto low-grade paper, as scavenged from the store room of a boarded-up elementary school:

Rules For Bedroom Golf
  • Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
  • Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. The course owner will be sole judge of who is the best player of the course.
  • Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
  • For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft for stiffness before play begins.
  • Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  • The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again.
  • It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
  • Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
  • Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
  • Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing on what they considered to be a private course.
  • Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrased if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be exremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
  • The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
  • Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
  • Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
  • It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

After the scribing, prepare two Mechanisms of Facsimile Transference as described in the Owner's Manuals thereof; FAXmodems have been used with success for this purpose.

Transfer the Formula between the two Mechanisms at the lowest available resolution and the highest available contrast four times. As each Transfer completes, chant aloud:

Öy! Öy! Uh-Phunn E'phax jus kaimin!
Öy! Öy! Uh-Phunn E'phax jus kaimin!
Sigil of Phunn E'phax

Whilst chanting, make the Sign of the Ill-Concealed Insult, as follows:

1. 2. 3.
Clench your hand into a fist, extending your Middle Finger pointedly. Raise your hand to your face until your extended Middle Finger touches just above the bridge of your nose midway between your eyes in the manner of Fixing One's Spectacles, symbolically poking with great audacity the Third Eye.

The force of the Sigil is embodied fully in the fruits of the last Transference.

The Sigil must now be transferred to no fewer than 1000 victims -- the Transference must take place over a telephonic connection, soundless dedicated lines being insufficient. However, the Target of Transference need not be other Mechanisms of Facsimile Transference (though this method is preferred) -- suitable results may be obtained by enclosing the Sigil as a Multipurpose Internet Mail Extension.