Lord Omar's Affidavit to the CSEA

Here is the original affidavit sent by Lord Omar to the CSEA defending Chaplin IM False's religious rights.

I hereby state that Christine D. Tobey is prohibited from joining the California School Employee Association, by virtue of the power vested in me by the Goddess Eris Discordia as co-founder of the Discordian Society and the Legion of Dynamic Discord thereof and co-author of Principia Discordia and as Grand Ballyhoo of Egypt of the Orthodox Discordian Society, as the traditional teachings of our church forbid Chaoist Discordians (which she is) from joining any organization except for the purposes of sabotage and subversion. (Discordianism is sympathetic with the goals of organized labor, but we find that since the Industrial Workers of the World was rendered impotent by the Palmer Raids most labor organizations have abandoned what we consider effective and spiritually correct tactics -- namely sabotage and subversion -- and it is our opinion that the CSEA is one such labor organization, which tries to achieve its lofty aims through organization -- rather than disorganization, the latter of which is easier, less expensive, more effective, more fun and in full accord with the Will of Eris Discrdia, the 17 wills of Howard Hughes and Will Switzer, my uncle. Moreover, I hereby inform anyone interested that the exact date of the founding of the Discordian Society and the Legion of Dynamic Discord -- as well as exactly which bowling alley they were found in -- is a matter of controversy within the Discordian Society itself, but it was either in 1958 or 1959 in either the Santa Fe Springs or Friendly Hills bowling alley east of Los Angeles in Southern California, Western USA, North America (see Discordian History for more on this, well, historic event).
      Besides that, Christine D. Tobey has been a member of the Legion of Dynamic Discord of the Discordian Society since exactly 5 a.m. of May 5th of 1992, give or take about 5 months and 23 hours, as the keeping of precise records is not one of the traditional beliefs of our religion, since it denotes a lack of faith in Goddess, who never forgets anything (including one event which occurred in ancient Greece). However, a more precise approximate might be obtained from Discordian Episkopos Ol' Sam, Pope -- then again, it might not -- or from the California State Department of Furniture and Bedding, with which we are undoubtedly a recognized religion by this time (see How to Start a POEE Cabal for the explanation of yonder in-joke).
      As for a summary of all the tenants of the Discordian Society, we do not keep records of which Discordians are tenants, landlords and homeowners, but most traditional tenants of our religion support the Permanent Tax Strike, as do many nontraditional tenants as well, and therefore deem themselves violated by any form of virtual taxation, such as rent, interest or exorbitant dues of dubious organizations with coercive monopolies on membership.
      Any other questions about Christine D. Tobey, the Legion of Dynamic Discord or the Nature of Reality should be addressed to me, Kerry Wendell Thornley, JFK Assassin, or me, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, President of the Fair-Play-for-Switzerland Committee or me, Reverend Doctor Jesse Sump, Ancient Abbreviated Calif. of California and Sinister Minister of the First Evangelical and Unrepentant Church of No Faith, or me, Ho Chi Zen (the Fifth Dealy Lama) or me, the Purple Sage, Pope. If your question is good enough I will not answer it personally, of course, but I will enroll you in our 12 Famous Buddha Mind School, whereupon you receive precise instructions on how to live your life.
      On top of all of which, I hereby delare that should Christine D. Tobey disobey My Holiness's wishes and join the CSEA (except for purposes of sabotage and subversion), she will surely be reincarnated as a human being and thus will once again find herself a member of the most destructive species on earth instead of (as is the aim of all true Discordians) a cockroach, the most biologically successful lifeform.
      For ample information on my credentials consult Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler or examine the indexes, under Thornley, of books by Robert Sam Anson, J. Davison, Edward Epstein, Bernard Fensterwald, Paris Flammonde, Jim Garrison, Sylvia Meagher, James Phelan, Peter Dale Scott, Anthony Summers, Jon Vankin, Earl Warren, et. al., Harold Weisberg and Robert Anton Wilson -- and if that doesn't leave you sufficiently confused, request a copy of my FBI file under the Freedom of Information Act or request information about Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst from any large organization, and if they don't have any files on Ravenhurst feel free to supply them with such data as you feel they jolly well damn deserve. I am also author of Oswald (Novel Books, 1965), of The Idle Warriors (from the IllumiNet Press, 1991), Zenarchy (IllumiNet Press, 1991) and co-author of The Anarch Cookbook (White Wolf Press, 1993), a contributor to Secret and Suppressed (Feral House, 1993) and leader of the 1967 Conquest of Mount Sumeru Expedition and I further declare that there is no truth whatsoever to the charge that Kerry Wendell Thornley is a ficiticious (sic) identity created by the Warren Commission for its own mysterious purposes (Vol. XI, pp. 80+, Commission Exhibits and Testimony). Currently I am writing The Astrology of Ecology or How to Save the Earth with Conspiracy Theories About the Stars.
      I, Kerry Wendell Thornley, KSC, JFK Assassin, Bull Goose of Limbo, Recreational Director of the Wilhelm Reich Athletic Club, Assistant Philosopher, President of the Universal Successionist Association (USA), Chairperson of the Kronstadt Vengeance Committee, Poet Laureate of the Randolph Bourne Association for Revolutionary Violets, Minister in the Church of Universal Life, Trustee for the Center for Mythographic Arts, Correspondent for the Desperate Imperialist News Service (DIN), Vice President of the Generic Graffiti Council of the Americas, CEO of the Umbrella Corporation and of the Spare Change Investment Corporation, Treasurer of the Commercial Erisian Orthodox Tabernacle, Assistant Treasurer of the John-Dillinger-Died-For-You Society, Public Relations Director of Precision Psychedelics, Managing Editor of The Decadent Worker, Public Security Committee Chief of the Revolutionary Surrealist Vandal Party (RSVP), Advisor to the Niccolo Machiavelli University of Jesuit Ethics, Instructor of the Mullah Nasrudin Sufi Mime Troupe, Dean of Bodhisattvas of the 12 Famous Buddha Mind School, Mail Clerk of Junk Mail Associates, Chaplaim ofthe Erotic Terrorism Committee of the Fucking Communist Conspiracy (FCC, etc.), Deputy Counsel of the International Brotherhood of Doom Prophets, Local 666, Alleged Founder of the Zenarchist Affinity Group (ZAG) and the Zenarchist Insurgency Group (ZIG), Co-Founder of the Discordian Society, Grand Master ofthe Legion of Dynamic Discord, Saint 2nd Class in the Industrial Church of the SubGenius, CEO of the Brooklyn Bridge Holding Company, Executive Vice President of the Bank of Hell, Chief Engineer of the Southern Fascist Railway (``Our Trains Run On Time!''), Inspector for the Political Correctness Division of the Marta Batista Cola Company, and Satanist Quaker of 3388 Homera Place, Decatur, Georgia do hereby swear (or affirm) on this day of 13 October 1993 under penalty of perjury that to the best of my knowledge, all of the above and much of the below is true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense, as the Discordian Church (or Synagogue) holds as a central tradition (borrowed from Buddhism and, thus, older than Christianity) tenet of its faith is true of all affirmations.
      This affidavit is signed by Kerry Wendell Thornley, witnessed by Paula D. Patterson and notarized by Harriet Greadwell (or something to that effect).