Lord Omar's Doktorin on Evil

The Venerealated Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, apparently having heard quite enough of my rhetoric concerning single-ply toilet paper being caused directly by Greyface (a doctrine which I didn't even invent, mind you), rebuked me with the following letter:
Dear Reverend Al,
      In Discordian pentagrams (as opposed to circles, which are for squares) there has been much recent discussion of the Problem of Evil -- a redundancy. (Evil is always a problem and all problems are evil.)
      As the most authoritative writer of religious letters since the Epistle Paul, I will share with you my own humble personal opinion about this -- which you are absolutely and completely free to dispute, if you don't mind undergoing Eternal Damnation.
      Ancient Greeks thought Eris Herself was the root of all evil. That was obviously nonsense. Eris is a goddess, not a root.
      According to Robert Anton Wilson, evil arises when Satanic priesthoods, seeking physical immortality, perform mass sacrifices to Lovecraftian monsters in conveniently located dimensions. Wilson, however, is an author of fiction -- and a bald-headed liar, besides.
      My introduction to Principia Discordia said evil is caused by Greyface. So now your publications are even blaming the poor guy for single-ply toilet paper!
      I confess I was under a lot of pressure when I wrote that piece. Not only was I being paid by the word, I was hard-up for material.
      According to Hung Mung, ``A chao that cannot be milked for a good joke is not the Sacred Chao.'' Discussing the disgusting is always good for a gag or two. Most people who don't find Greyface disgusting are at least disgusted by the Devil. That is to say, the Devil disgusts them and, come to think of it, they might well disgust the Devil as well. (Oh, well -- what a disgusting mire of ambiguous syntax!)
      Whichever -- appointing Greyface Devil was good for a laugh, and a few bucks. What with pot prices these days, when the True Man says nothing he lacks inspiration.
      Theological hairsplitting -- like how many angels can stand on the point of a pin (answer: one, but not for long) -- is unfortunately necessary here.
      Technically, the Greyface Devil is only what he is called (his name). What he really is (his function) is the Archtypical Hell-Bringing Buddha.
      Subcarnation Hell-Bringing Buddhas (not to be confused with Hell-Raising Buddhas) include Frankenchrist, Elvis Hitler, Lazarus Babaloo and Nixon Quayle. They are mortal, but can always be revived somehow for yet one more exciting episode.
      Hell-Bringing Buddhas do not really cause evil; they simply deliver it -- preferably while it is still piping hot.
      Evil itself, you vicious asshole, is impersonal.
Here be the Doktorin:
Evil originates in Obstinate Inanimate Objects -- thus called because they are all three: Obstinate, Inanimate and Objectionable.
      Examples are wrong keys that won't fit into right locks, tools that hide from you when you need them worst, pills that fall on the floor instead of into your mouth, joints that run or burn out and pens that shake so badly you cannot express your rage over such things in a clear hand.
      Illuminati Astrology can probably explain why Obstinate Inanimate Object Activity Intervals (``flop flaps'') happen more on bad than good days.
      A Zen proverb informs us that the Buddha is toilet paper. Moreover, your naive Greyface toilet paper Devil theory is even challenged somewhere in your own Five Non-Prophets of Discordia. (Exactly where I cannot say because my copy of that Writ is at this moment itselt a Fugitive Obstinate Inanimate Object -- an OIO that has misplaced itself in order to thwart the Great Work at Hand.)
      Nevertheless, all talk of evil requires belief in morality. As some other Erisian wrote: ``Discordians believe in morality because, given an infinite universe, morality must exist somewhere.'' (Alas, I'm unable to credit that line because the newsletter where it appeared is also a Fugitive OIO.)
      What is important, incidentally enough, is that there is a way to rid the whole universe of every last evil once and for all. Namely, wage a total war of extreme extermination against each Obstinate Ininimate Object which dares defy your Conscious Will!
      Exactly here is where the Blunted Sword of Reason has led us most astray. Lacking any capacity to doubt logical propositions, we con ourselves into thinking that fits of temper against Obstinate Inanimate Objects do no good! Not only does that ignore the blatantly obvious deterrent value of such Holy Wrath, it overlooks the capacity of our Divine Fury to reduce and finally eradicate the entire population of Obstinate Inanimate Objects.
      But while ``Old Barren Reason,'' the Deceiver of the Unbeliever, bequiles us with silly notions, in our guts we have always known what really works.
      Thus is it written in The Honest Book of Truth: ``If thy zipper offendeth thee, rip that fucker off! If thy cupboard door bangeth they head, slam that bastard -- yea, even unto splinters smite that evil sonofabitch!''

      Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! And Hail Yes!

      Kerry Wendell Thornley, Philosophical Prankster
I, of course, answered his magnificent missive thusly.