Illuminated Seers of Bavaria
Following is a letter to Malaclypse the Younger, cofounder of
Discordianism,
from Mad Malik of the Illuminati. It gives a brief overview of the
Illuminati's history and some of its current projects. Of course, Malik may
be lying to Mal in order to obscure the real goals and history of the
Illuminati. Since there is a good chance that Mal would see through this
rather simple-minded ruse, Malik may be telling the precise truth and assuming
that Mal would never believe that he (referring to Malik, not that it matters;
this isn't going to start making sense even if the pronouns are properly
matched) would ever do such a thing. Naturally, Malik knows Mal well enough to
assume that Mal would assume that he (doesn't matter) would figure that out,
too.
In this case, probability theory shows that no matter what you believe, you'll
probably be wrong. If you want to know the real poop, you may tender
your
application
to the Illuminati (of course, if you're slow-witted enough to believe that
there is a real poop to be known, they'll probably never let you in on
what it is).
Without further adoo-doo, here is a letter from A.I.S.B. to
POEE:
From: MAD MALIK Hauptscheissmeister
Dear Brother Mal-2,
In response to your request for unclassified agitprop to be inserted
in the new edition of
Principia,
hope the following will be of use. And please stop bothering us with your
incessant letters!
Episkopos Mordecai, Keeper of the Notary Sojac, informs me that you
are welcome to reveal that our oldest extant records show us to have been
fully established in Atlantis, circa 18,000 B.C., under Kull, the galley slave
who ascended to the Throne of Valusia. Revived by Pelias of Koth, circa 10,000
B.C. Possibly it was he who taught the inner-teachings to Conan of Cimmeria
after Conan became King of Aquilonia. First brought to the western hemisphere
by Conan and taught to Mayan priesthood (Conan is Quetzlcoatl). That was 4
Ahua, 8 Cumhu, Mayan date. Revived by Abdul Alhazred in his infamous Al Azif,
circa 800 A.D. (Al Azif translated into Latin by Olaus Wormius, 1132 A.D., as
The Necronomicon.) In 1090 A.D. was the founding of The Ismaelian Sect
(Hashishim) by Hassan i Sabbah, with secret teachings based on Alhazred,
Pelias and Kull. Founding of the Illuminated Ones of Bavaria, by Adam
Weishaupt, on May 1, 1776. He based it on the others. Weishaupt brought it to
the United States during the period that he was impersonating George
Washington; and it was he who was the Man in Black who gave the design for The
Great Seal to Jefferson in the garden that night. The Illuminated tradition
is now, of course, in the hands of The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria
(A.I.S.B.), headquartered here in the United States.
Our teachings are not, need I remind you, available for publication. No harm,
though, in admitting that some of them can be found disguised in Joyce's
Finnegan's Wake, Burroughs Nova Express, the King James
translation of the Holy Bible (though not the Latin or Hebrew), and
The Blue Book. Not to speak of Ben Franklin's private papers (!), but
we are still suppressing those.
Considering current developments -- you know the ones I speak of -- it
has been decided to reveal a few more of our front organizations. Your
publication is timely, so mention that in addition to the old fronts like the
Masons, the Rothchild Banks, and the Federal Reserve System, we now have
significant control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (since Hoover died
last year, but that is still secret), the Students for a Democratic Society,
the Communist Party USA, the American Anarchist Assn., the Junior Chamber of
Commerce, the Black Lotus Society, the Republican Party, the John Dillinger
Die For You Society, and the Camp Fire Girls. It is still useful to continue
the sham of the Birchers that we are seeking world domination; so do not
reveal that political and economic control was generally complete several
generations ago and that we are just playing with the world for a while until
civilization advances sufficiently for phase five.
In fact you might still push Vennard's The Federal Reserve Hoax: ``Since the
Babylonian Captivity there has existed a determined, behind-the-scenes
under-the-table, atheistic, satanic, anti-Christian force -- worshipers of
Mamon -- whose undying purpose is world control through the control of
Money.
July 1, 1776 (correct that to May 1st, Vennard can't get anything right) the
Serpent raised its head in the under-ground secret society known as the
Illuminati, founded by Adam Weishaupt. There is considerable documentary
evidence to prove all revolutions, wars, depressions, strikes and chaos stem
from this source.'' Etc., etc., you know the stuff.
The general location of our US HQ, incidentally, has been nearly
exposed; and so we will be moving for the first time this century (what a
drag!). If you want, you can reveal that it is located deep in the labyrinth
of sewers beneath Dealy Plaza in Dallas, and is presided over by The Dealy
Lama. Inclosed are some plans for several new potential locations. Please
review and add any comments you feel pertinent, especially regarding the
Eristic propensity of the Pentagon site.
Oh, and we have some good news for you, Brother Mal! You know that Zambian
cybernetics genius who joined us? Well, he has secretly co-ordinated the FBI
computers with the Zurich System and our theoriticians are in ecstasy over the
new information coming out. Look, if you people out there can keep from blowing
yourselves up for only two more generations, then we will finally have it.
After 20,000 years, Kull's dream will be realized! We can hardly believe it.
But the outcome is certain, given the time. Our grandchildren, Mal! If
civilization makes it through this crises, our grandchildren will live in a
world of authentic freedom and authentic harmony and authentic satisfaction. I
hope I'm alive to see it, Mal, success is in our grasp. Twenty thousand
years....!
Ah, I get spaced just thinking about it. Good luck on the Principia.
Ewige Blumenkraft! HAIL
ERIS.
Love,
Mad Malik