In the Beginning

Disclaimer: The easily offended should not click here to view the accompanying illustration. I take no responsibility for the sensibilities of those who do.
Given that all other religions are flawed copies of Discordianism (a proof can be found in Five Non-Prophets of Discordia, for those who are a little too thick to see the obvious truth of this), one immediately begins to wonder how, exactly, the original Holey Scrippage came to be rendered (and rended) into its present forms.
      The answer to this bothersome question is, as always, ``The Curse of Greyface,'' which is responsible for everything bad that ever happened to anybody (including the advent of single-ply toilet paper, Goddess damn his eyes). The Curse worked slowly in the minds of the Clustered Monkeys (now profaned into cloistered monks; the original symbolism was meant to commemorate that divine occasion when, through one of the more wondrous absurdities of probability, a large group of chimpanzees got together, ordered some Chinese food, and then scribbled away at random until they managed to draw up the first product disclaimer), causing them to take themselves more and more seriously. The divine humor of Eris' Good Gnus' Babble began to appear as silly nonsense to them (it is silly nonsense, of course; the problem started when they began to view this as bad), and they therefore began to make minor changes -- a word here, a turn of phrase there -- so that the Scrippage ``flowed better,'' or ``was more pleasing to the eye,'' or, Sin among sins, ``made more sense.'' This carried on over the course of centuries, until the Light and Airy document of Olde became the Hellfire-breathing, order-glorifying and gloom-bringing Tome of Dishumor you know today as The Bible.
      Eris' Word is nigh again, Brothers, Sisters and ``Others'' of Discordia. It has been delivered unto the fevered minds of yours unruly, Episkopos Aloysius Thudthwacker, and that Bastion of Boogers, Pope Icky Fundament, PZK.
      Now, without further introduction, I give you some wonderful selections from the Good Gnus' Babble, the Holey Scrippage -- the Word, friends and neighbors, of Eris Discordia.

These are the first few verses of Smooth Move, Genius, known among the profane as The Book of Genesis.

In the beginning, Eris created heaven and earth.
      She then sobered up, and decided She may as well make the best of it.
      And the earth was without form and void. ``Void'' seemed to be a good idea, and the spirit moved Eris to pass waters.
      And Eris said, ``Let there be light,'' and there was light.
      And Eris saw the light, that it was good. Then, thinking She was on a roll, Eris said ``Let there be pickled herring,'' which ended Her streak at one.
      And Eris called the light Night, and the darkness She called Day. She decided this might get everyone mad at Her, and switched them around.
      And Eris said, ``Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, and let him be humorous and fun to hang with and have dominion over the Great Boredom that would otherwise make this universe interesting like unto a stale potato chip.'' Her other personalities, after briefly wondering why She was talking to Herself, saw that it was good (or, at least, that they should humor Her).
      And Eris hurriedly made the World and the dry land thereon so that She could create and plant a potato seed before anyone began to wonder what, exactly, a ``potato chip'' was.
      And Eris said ``Phew,'' and saw that it was good, if a little rushed.
      And Eris suddenly remembered having said something about making man, and went about collecting some odd bits of Play-Doh and Silly String. Lastly, she collected the Divine substance from under Her desk, known to the great alchemists of old as the Sacred Pink Phlegmingo, but today has a rather less glorious name.
      With this did Eris mold man and woman, and breathed humor into their nostrils. Man and woman awakened to life laughing, pointing at the weird looking bumpy and dangly bits on each other.
      They then almost knocked each other over in their mad dash to the Tree of Self-Righteousness.
      And Eris did sigh, wondering what else one should expect from the willy-nilly creations of a Goddess with a hangover.
Known in the present era as The Beatitudes, this is Be Attitudinous

And seeing the multitudes, She went up onto a mountain: and when She was set, Her disciples came unto Her: And she rebuked them, saying,
      I am busy doing the Lord's work, the business of Nature: can't a Girl get any privacy around here?
      But Her disciples were sore persistent, and they hid from Her Her Toilet Paper: so Eris postponed Her activities and arranged Herself to speak unto the multitudes,
      And She opened Her mouth, and taught them, saying,
      Blessed are the poor in humor: for theirs is the kingdom of Thud.
      Blessed are they that frown: for they shall be tickled.
      Blessed are the boring: for they have inherited the earth, and shall keep the darn thing long after even the meek stop wanting it.
      Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after seriousness: for they shall be filled with cement and dropped down a deep treacle well.
      Blessed are the flatulent: for they shall obtain relief at everyone else's expense.
      Blessed are the pure in pharmaceuticals: for they shall see God, and many other things as well.
      Blessed are the pharmaceutical makers: for they shall be called the fathers of the children of God, and many other things as well.
      Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for in them is the Divine Joke revealed.
      Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for My sake.
      Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you truly, even, for My sake.
      Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the non-prophets which were before you. I mean it, I'm not kidding.

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      Also available for your enlightenment is Liber Nonsequitoria, which has got to be the weirdest thing since the marsupial werewolf.